WHY????

I must begin this post with a disclaimer: WARNING...this post could be a "downer." If you are looking for a bright start to your day, you may want to read this later.

With that said, I left my ladies bible study last night feeling pretty good! My fellow sisters in Christ are so fun, and they can make a bad day turn into a great one. So, generally, after leaving the study, I am on a high. But last night, I got home and was just in a terrible mood! I was short with Dustin, even though I had barely seen him all day. As I laid down last night, I could not stop thinking about why bad things happen to good people. This fact confuses me and frustrates the hound out of me. I also don't understand grief!! How can one hour earlier I feel great and one hour later I am crying my eyes out?! I had trouble sleeping last night. My mind would not settle. I'm mad, confused, depressed, frustrated, and on and on. Then, this morning, I received a very heartfelt and comforting email from a dear friend that I use to work with. She is probably the strongest woman I know. She found her 8 year old son, Carey, after he was shot accidentally. Then only a few short years later, they received a call that her step son had been killed in a car accident after falling asleep at the wheel. Once again, I want to scream, "Why God???" Although I know He does not cause these things to happen, I wonder why he allows them to happen. I'm just going through a really confusing time, but this email helped so much. Here is the email from my dear friend...her words are so powerful!! Sorry for the length of this post!

Darlin, there is grief in your loss. Many don't understand that, but it is just as painful as my loss. You and I have both lost a child, end of statement. That child was made from love, between you and Dustin, and there will always be a spot in your heart for this child. Fond memories...think about that just a minute.....remember how excited you were when you knew that you were pregnant? Remember how proud you were to tell your family and friends. I'm glad that you did, if you hadn't they would not be able to support you now, when you need them the most. Friends and family are always more than glad to be joyous with and for you in your happiness and cry with and for you in your times of loss. Remember what it felt like to know that your body was holding a gift from God. Yes, this child was and is a gift from God and this child is with God today, probably looking down on you, knowing your pain, your grief, and smiling upon you because this child knows that you loved and still love him. You may have never met this beautiful child but you did love it, with all of your heart, all of your soul, all of your being. You wanted nothing but the best for him. I believe with all of my heart that Carey and Fletcher met him as he went "home" and they are teaching him the ropes of Heaven as we speak, your baby is not alone up there. :-)

Yes, each day is a new day. Each day is a day to love and live and grow and give all to the Glory of God. I don't know if you have heard the song, "Who you would be today"......God, that rips at my heart as it rips at yours I'm sure. Honey, we are in the same boat here and we are in a very special club that I never want another woman to ever have to join. In this boat, everyone takes their turn at rowing to carry the other mother's to the other side of this river...without each other all of us would simply be dog peddling, getting nowhere fast, but together we make many miles some days and other days we just float, then on other days we "allow" the current to carry us, where ever God wants us to be, totally faithfull that we are ok as long as He is carrying us.

I truly don't understand how anyone can survive without faith....look at the difference in me and Mike. I know that Dustin grieves, in his own way, but I pray that you two can share you feelings with each other. I pray that you two won't be "strong" for each other and let it go, let the tears, the screams to God rip. God does understand. He is your parent. As you will forgive your children when they don't trust your judgement, God forgives you instantly if you get mad at Him. He's a big God and He can handle it because He knows your heart.

Try to take care of yourself and allow your body, your mind and your spirit heal. It will take some time. Know that both of you have been in my prayers and will continue to stay there. In nine days I get to celebrate Carey's 17th birthday in Heaven. I hope they celebrate there. Whenever you get to where you think you can't take it any more look at the fact that only God got me through 17 years and He will get you through as many years as you have left in this life. He will send you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. Trust.